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Oh yeah...

it's lesbian, if you're interested. *shakes head*

Well.. Porn, actually.

Yeah, I've downloaded my first porn film.. not sure what my problem is atm, I've gone mad :D

Sniffle sniffle..

Hmm.. so much to say, so little inclination to say it... partly because I'm ill, and in serious need of sleep, partly because I have a dribbing cat on me, and I'm desperately trying to stop him dribbling on the keyboard.

Well, Ash is staying tomorrow, which is great.. so excited about that.. And I had a great time with his rents tonight. Went out for a meal, I really do feel like I'm becoming part of them. Ash taught me the "family card game" the other day, and Mike told me I'm his favourite of Ash's girls.. which is quite an achievement, considering how many there are!! XD

He's acting strangely atm though (Ash, that is, not Mike..). He saw this money making scheme on the net, and he's completely engulfed in it. Seriously.. earlier on tonight, he was HOUSEHUNTING. He's talked about not having to work, ever. It's nuts. He has spoken about nothing else today, and it's just not like him, because he isn't much of a dreamer.. but this is like nothing I've ever seen. I can't see it working, and I don't want him wasting away the next 6 months thinking it will. He starts college next week, and he's gonna need a clear head.. It's ridiculous. It's awkward being around him when he talks about it, because I cannot hide the fact I don't think it'll work, and that I wouldn't be prepared to move in with him at this point in life anyways. I think it's because while most 16 year olds know that one day, they will move away from home, to a uni further away than the next town (yes, he was planning on going to Chelmsford..) he hasn't. He hasn't thought of these things before, and now he's sees an opportunity, he's leaping at it with all he's got. And guess who mummy is gonna see as the bad guy who's encouraging him to up stakes and leave?

Urgh. In a predicament, indeed. 

On top of all this, I'm starting college Tues, and I'm REALLY not prepared. I wish more than anything in the world Ash was coming too, I think it'd make me feel more confident, and ready to start. Although I know I cannot mess things up because of that. It could finish us though, although he's convinced by next year we'll be living together...(!!) It's so difficult not to buy into his crazy ideas, because so many of them overlap with mine..

Need to look into getting a job, again.. plus buying much stationary for college, and a pair of shoes that won't cripple me. 

Anyways, stop typing now..  Shuttup. 

Speak soon



Today may have been the BEST day of the year so far!!

Seriously people, there's something in the water. Ash was sweet, and attentive and, wait for it, HELPFUL!! Not that he's not usually, but, this was so unexpected. A real shock! :D I'm so pleased for a certain someone who's sure to have read this, and is now grinning inanely.. and, for her information, you really are gonna look the sex on thurs, and curly = bootiful :D

As for my lovelife, which actually seems less important to me, at this very moment, is pretty damn good too! Meeting some of the family tomorrow.. kinda scary! 

Just, omg, really. 

We girlies, we rooole!! :D


Middlename: Paranoia?


It's.. 28 mins past 11 on Saturday night, and I'm sitting in my room.. pondering. Ash, is doing everything I've always wished he do. I don't think he HAS given anyone else his "bebo luv".. and if he had, would it mean anything? Not really, no more than me putting "hugs" in asterisks to another guy. I mean no harm. I just, have so many issues of my own. I really do believe there are prettier, more athletic, funnier, blah blah blah. And while he says he's happy with me now, does he mean it? I spose he wouldn't say it if he didn't. Unfortunately the rational side of me often loses when I'm in this sorta mood. He means so much to me, I feel like I don't match up to his standards. He gets so much attention, and occasionally I get a glance, but it doesn't compare. I should be happy for now, but it's so difficult to enjoy tomorrow when I spend 50% of it wondering if it's the last kiss we'll have. 

Oh dear..



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October 2007


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